Some advice on getting over a woman

I was paging through an old journal the other day and came across some advice that I gave myself after a breakup. Maybe it might prove use to someone else out there too. As it turned out the very next woman I met is now the woman that makes me delirously happy and whom I’d like to grow old and incontinent with.

The dating game is a brutal one at best, and break ups have to be the worst. No amount of preparation or pep talks from your mom, sister or best friend will arm you with the skills needed to get through a breakup – heart and pride in tact. After a spate of breakups spanning 7 years I was becoming pretty despondent with the whole dating game. Just when you think you’ve found that woman that plays into the “bigger picture” of love and life… whammo, you get blind sided and haven’t the foggiest idea as to why. After enough of these you start to develop a thicker skin, but it’s important not to get cynical. Each woman you meet and date should get the very best of you, they should see the real you, and not a guarded shell of your former self. Every woman deserves a clean slate, free from baggage.

Easier said than done, I know. So how do you get over that woman you thought could have been the one? It’s quite simple really, you try your utmost not to take it personal. It’s not you! There could be a 101 reasons as to why it didn’t (and wouldn’t) have worked out; these can range from bad timing, age, religion, chemistry, career, differing opinions and the list goes on (see below too); but if you’re trying to figure out what went wrong, asking yourself “Why didn’t she want me!?” you will do your head in and not be able to think objectively next time, and it’ll haunt you. You can’t change her mind but you can change your outlook. You just have to be a man, suck it up, and say to yourself: “it is what it is”, and move forward in the knowledge that you’re one step close to finding that person you want to start a new life with – and who wants you in theirs too, and loves your job, your quirkiness, your dogs, your personality and all of the things that make you, you. There’s someone out there for everyone, you just have to put in the effort, and endure a bit of heartache before you find here. Going through an emotional shit-storm of heart wrenching break ups is not the worst thing that could possibly happen, and you wouldn’t believe – after all of them – how much you appreciate her when you eventually find her, and you will. Just give it time.

 A handful of reasons why she broke up with you and not one is you

Different expectations – She might have had this preconceived notion of how things would be, and how she wants them to be. Not your fault, people want what they want, not a lot is going to change that.

Timing – Sometimes it’s just not the right time. She could be on the rebound and just looking to fill a hole (psychological or otherwise) and you happen to come along so she thought: hey why not; or she’s moving to Cape Town in 3 months, or her job demands more of her time than it used, the list goes on. Timing is a biggie, and it’s not always the right time, and you sure as shit can’t do anything about it.

Inexplicable – Women are quite simply inexplicable creatures, and it’s one of the things we love about them. It’s also one of the things that can drive you round the bend when something is at polar opposites to what you might think to be practical and/or rational. Don’t try to make sense of it. If she broke up with you and you haven’t a cooking clue as to why, don’t dwell, just move on. I remember my dad once gave a speech with the following line in it: “I have a fairly reasonable understanding of quantum physics and the inner workings of the universe, but I cannot for the life of me begin to understand what my wife is thinking sometimes”.

Games – Some women enjoy playing games, it’s about power, fun, manipulation or whatever. Avoid these ones and move on!

Thrill of the chase –  The chase and “courting” phase is the most fun, and maybe that’s all she’s looking for right now. Once she felt like she “had” you then it no longer became fun. Not your fault, just find someone that’s looking for something more long term.

Love or be loved – In any relationship there should be an equal give and take. Some days you’ll be the lover and other days you’ll be loved. As long as you’re seeing reciprocation then you’re on track. If not, then she wasn’t for you.

There’s no clear cut way to get over a woman. Each man will have his own way, but the important thing is to remember not to take it personal. A break up is not a reflection on you as a person or your desirability, it just means that for whatever reason out of your control, you were not compatible with that person. You can either beat yourself up about it and be cynical about dating and women in general or you can face facts and just pack up and move on to bigger and better things.  Look at each failure not as being an assassination attempt on your ego but as a valuable lesson to move on from.

And if all else fails, buy yourself the best bottle of whisky or wine your money can buy; write her name on it, and at least you’ll have something good that came out of it for days/weeks/months to come.

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Mr Mantality

Mr Mantality

Lover of gadgets, men's culture, cool stuff, Earl Grey tea and all things manly. An optimist in his prime. When he's not keeping the wheels turning at Mantality HQ you'll find him trawling the web, and visiting trade shows to find the newest and coolest gadgets. During his down time he's usually with his 2 dogs, on the golf course, cycling or basking in the literary company of Oscar Wilde, Bret Easton Ellis or Martin Amis whilst drinking espresso strong enough to strip paint.

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